Sugar Spell it Out
by NettieMae
Summary: Drabble. There's a difference between existing and living and with all the pain inside of you, where do you draw the line? "I just wanted to live again."
1. Chapter 1

I see him, he's standing by the gym doors, today's sunny so his hair is exceptionally red. It makes me smile and I pick up my pace. His hair is longer now, his clothes different. He looks different. He's growing a beard.

I'm about to call his name, I want to tell him all the things I've missed about him but then a girl walks up. No, not just a girl, Tanya walks up and she kisses him right in front of everybody and he kisses her back. It's gross, it makes me sick.

"Hey look, it's your stalker Eddie." That senior Emmett says to Edward.

Edward turns his head, Tanya's lips move to his neck. He sees me and guilt consumes his face. I'm going to be sick. He whispers something to Tanya, she says something back and he laughs and rolls his eyes. He starts to walk over to me, I see Tanya sit next to Emmett and repeats what she said to Edward. The whole group laughs while looking at me.

"Hey, Bella. C-can we talk?" Edward comes up to me and I know. I just do.

"She your girlfriend?" I'm way beyond full sentences.

He's nothing but guilt. "Yeah."

"Oh." I say. "She's pretty."

He rolls his eyes, it isn't out of humor either like earlier, it's serious. It's painful. "Yeah, Bella, really pretty. Look I just wanted to explain-"

I hold up my hand. I can't hear him say it. "It's okay, I get it. I do." I breathe deep, I don't want to cry. Not here, not in front of them. "She's pretty and smart and not broken. And you're almost seventeen why would you want to be with a girl who's broken right?" I laugh, and it's wet- my face. "T-thanks. You know. For trying to explain."

"Whatever Bella." He sighs.

And this irritates me. Five minutes ago he was the boy who held my heart, he was the boy who took everything that I gave. I deserve something more than 'whatever Bella.' "What? You want me to say I hate her Edward? Or hate you? Because it's not going to happen."

He laughs and it hurts my bones. "No, of course not because we all know how in love you are with me Isabella. Get over it- I only took your virginity. It's fucking done, go cry about it somewhere else."

And I decide right there and then that this is as close as I'll ever come to hating Edward. "Screw you Edward." And he laughs while I run away. The rest of his "friends" laugh too.

That day I ditch class and go home. I go into my dad's liquor cabinet; he's never had a reason to lock it. I drink as much as I can, so I can't remember my own name. I'm crying on the bathroom floor, the bottle of vodka sitting next to me and a toilet full of puke when Charlie comes home.

"Oh my God, Bells, what happened?" Charlie rushes to me.

"It hurts Daddy, oh God, it hurts." I sob. "I can't breathe."

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><p>AN:<br>And so begins the drabble.

Sit back and enjoy the ride folks.


	2. Chapter 2

It's cold as balls here.

In Phoenix, it'd already be in the hundreds, it's only 11 o'clock. But here? In the corner of What-the-fuck and I-Don't-Know it's fifty-seven degrees. I don't even have a coat.

But Charlie is so happy, he doesn't talk the whole way back to his house but he's happy. And I'm trying I really am, but it's hard.

I just think of the past year and I want to do is scream and hit something-_someone._ Fuckers.

When we get to the house I leave my things by the stairs. I don't want to go to my room just yet. Instead I walk around the house I've called home since I was born. It's a stranger's place now. I know every crack but it's not my home.

When I get into the kitchen I try to pretend I don't see that my dad put a lock on the liquor cabinet. But who am I shitting, I'd happily drink what's inside there.

"Welcome home." Charlie says.

I smile, it's full of awful nasty things, "Thanks Dad."

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><p>AN:<p>

And Bella moved to Phoenix, blah blah blah.

See ya'll later. 3


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: **

**Sorry guys, for how long the update took. I had it written out, but my brother had severe liver problems and he had been in the hospital for a week and a half and now finally things are going back to normal. To answer some questions, Bella grew up in Forks then moved to Phoenix between chapters one and two. this fic starts with chapter 1 in the time line and only moves on. I won't be jumping back and forth through time, but if I have a flashback (I'm entertaning the idea) I'll for sure let ya'll know. Thanks for being patient, here ya go.**

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><p>We drive to the diner. Charlie looks for something to say to me so he starts to talk about all my old friends. "I saw Jessica last week, her mother and her got in a fender bender by the Coffee Shop." Smooth Charlie.<p>

"They okay?"

"Sure are but Mrs. Stanley asked about you, said Jessica cried for a week after you left."

Out of relief maybe. "Huh."

"And then Miss Esme came by for a bit the other day. Every Sunday she drops off a big ol' plate of food, says she made too much at family dinner." Yes, Charlie, because Esme sure isn't Edward's mother or anything. "Looks like we'll be going over Sunday for dinner, the whole family misses you Bells."

"The fuck I'm not!" I yell, and I swear to God I almost died.

"What, did you just say?" The light's green but we're at a dead stop.

"I'm not going to the Cullen's just so Edward can parade around that he took-" And I stop there. Not for the safety of Edward but for the poor people that would get in Charlie's way if he found out that the Cullen boy popped my cherry. He'd really shit himself if he found out it was while he was in the next room sleeping.

Charlie starts to drive. "Look, I don't pretend to know what really happened between you and the boy, but the family has been there for you since the beginning. The least you could do is act civil."

"I'll get right on that." Dinner blows something fierce after that.


	4. Chapter 4

I go to dinner that Sunday.

"Bella love!" Esme calls as she hugs me. "Come see everybody." But I've seen everybody already. Alice jumps up from the table and hugs me, I hug her back, she was always the sweetest. But she matured out of nowhere, she's got a figure.

Carlisle hugs me next. He's always been nice, he tells me he's been spending a lot of time tutoring on the rez.

Then I go to the living room where Edward and Emmett are playing the Xbox. Edward's in all dark colors. His hair is even longer and I just want to cut it. Emmett is still Emmett and I want to go home. I'm okay with running away from my problems.

"Edward! Look who it is, it's _your_ Bella." She smiles so proud. He doesn't say anything and this bothers her but it's fine. "Edward?"

"What?" And his green eyes fucking kill me that son of a bitch. "Oh hey." And then that's it. Esme smiles and walks off. I'm about to leave when I hear, "Nice hair cut there Isabella."

I think about hitting him. About yelling and making him hurt but instead, I settle for just flipping him off. Fuck your long hair loving ass, buddy. The short hair is here to stay.


	5. Chapter 5

I'm on the rez. There's a cute boy beneath me, I hear his panting, I feel his sweat. It might be mine. I'm flying- soaring. This boy is taking me there. He's all hands and he knows how to use them.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Our words melt together, we're just grunts and moans. Our mouths are touching but we aren't kissing, we gave that up awhile ago. Right now, it's just about that one thing he's doing with his hips. With his cock. With his body.

And I come apart.

"Jesus."

And I get a laugh. "Told you I'd make you see God."

I don't even know his name but he flips us over, he's not done, and now I'm beneath him and I do what I'm good at. Because he wont even be able to see, let alone see God, when I'm done with him.


	6. Chapter 6

His name is Jacob.

I fuck him a couple times a week while I'm here. He doesn't ask why I'm angry all the time. He just finds a way to fuck it out of me.

He's okay with three in the morning booty calls. I meet him in the woods behind my house and he fucks me against a tree. He made a bet that he could fuck me against every tree, but I leave in three days. He'll lose that bet. But he always makes bets.

Like how many times he can make me cum in an hour. We never did count.

He bet me he could drink more Dr. Pepper than me. I got sick after and he held my hair.

We made a bet to see if we could get each other off in public. When he was fucking me with his fingers, Edward sat twenty feet away from me at the diner. I didn't even have it in me to fake it.

Jacob is a sweetheart. I'll miss him. I'll miss him fucking me. I'll definitely miss that.

He kisses me goodbye, tells me to call him, says he can still get me off even though I'll be all the way back in Phoenix. I don't doubt it.


	7. Chapter 7

In Phoenix I smoke a lot of pot. I drink a lot too. I wonder if Edward has as much sex as I do. Because I have a lot. I called Jacob in the middle of the night during Christmas break and ask him if he thinks I'm a slut. I'm barely seventeen and I think I've had more sex than most. But Jacob tells me to shut up, that he'll make me forget it when I see him in six months.

I grow my hair out a little. It's not long, but it can fit into a pony tail and I suppose that's as long as I need it to be.


	8. Chapter 8

I meet this guy James at a party. He has blonde hair and blue eyes, he's got a big smile, big everything. He's older than me, he's in college. He has a girlfriend. But I don't think about that when I'm riding his face, or when he's inside me.

We don't talk like Jacob and I do. We fuck, like crazy. We smoke. We fuck some more and then I go home.

He likes my hair the length it is though. He paid for me to get it trimmed when it was getting too long. He's picky. But I somehow fit in all of his qualifications. I'm picky too. No sweet talk. No green eyes. No red hair. No cuddling after.

Sex is sex.

I do a line of coke with him a week before I leave for Forks for three months. When I leave he kisses me. It's not any kind of foreplay, it's a promise. When I get back, I'll have him to fuck. I'll have his weed. I'll have his coke.

I kiss him back.

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><p>Okay, so here's some more updates. I'm going to put up a few tonight to (try, haha) to make up for how crappy I've been at updating.<br>Things are gravy at the moment, promise.

I don't know you guys have noticed, but I cuss like a sailor.


	9. Chapter 9

When I get picked up by Charlie he doesn't mention the Cullen's. He doesn't talk about Esme bringing dinner anymore. He doesn't say anything about anyone he just hums along to the one station we have here and calls it that.

But I missed him. I missed cooking for him, and when I watch him eat every thing on his plate I make a promise not to miss dinner while I'm here.

"Bells, you look so grown up." He tells me when I'm doing the dishes after, and this makes me sad. Because I always want to be his baby girl, but all I can think of is James' face between my legs and I realize I haven't been his baby girl for a while now.


End file.
